Marriage, Mental Health

Rising from the ashes

Not a lot of people know, but last year, Austin and I had a falling out. We had split up, he moved out, we started divorce paperwork…. the whole nine yards.
Last year was, without a doubt, one of the hardest years we’ve ever had. We had all this going on with Kevin, we were both working but still struggling financially and emotionally. We got a lot of “oh you got married young and had kids young,” and honest to God that had nothing to do with it. I LOVE being married to him since I was 19, and I absolutely love having Kevin at this age. We both fell victim to our own mental health problems, and we focused too much on what was tearing us apart rather than all the good stuff that kept us together. It was 100% our minds against our hearts, and our minds won.
That’s why its so so sooo important to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Mental health is so important and vital to so many parts of your life. I struggled for so long to admit that I had issues too. I think that’s half the battle right there, admitting you need help.

I found myself too buried into my own thoughts (and I know Austin did too) about not being good enough, not being loving enough, not caring enough and it began to show. I felt like a stranger in my home and in my marriage, even in my own body…

In the past year, I personally have grown so much more than I thought I ever would. I worked up the courage to bring my mental health issues to my doctor (although, therapy is on hold for right now due to this stuff with Kevin). I opened up to my family and friends. I’ve found new hobbies and passions.
Most importantly, I’ve learned to cope and live with the hand that I’ve been dealt. Our life with a sick kid is not easy. I was so bitter with myself, towards Austin, and God about how things have played out. I kept my anger bottled up for so long and then directed it towards the wrong people and things.

Not every relationship is worth saving or fighting for. For some its pretty obvious when you need to walk away and move on. And we felt like that. But, one day, we woke up and realized that the best thing to come out of all of this was Kevin. Austin and I were given a kid as special as him because God knew we were strong enough to handle him, together.

This year has been our year for sure. We have both done so much growing up since we’ve gotten back together. I know I don’t only speak for myself when I say I’m proud of us. I’ve felt more love and compassion and happiness with my husband than I have in years.

I’m not writing about this to bash on anyone or place blame, as I mentioned before, we had completely become consumed into our own depression that we didn’t even put effort into our marriage anymore. I think I let it affect me the worst. I’m not writing it to get empathy or attention…
But I am writing this to give a little reminder that no marriage is perfect. It doesn’t matter if all of the Instagram and Facebook posts are happy and picture perfect, nothing in life is ever perfect.
I am also writing this to say I’ve been there and now I’m here, you can talk to me without judgement, always!

2 thoughts on “Rising from the ashes”

  1. I love the way you write. I get teary because everything you writes hits home for me. In fact, after I read what you wrote the day Kevin passed away inspired me to start writing a song about losing a child…now, will I ever finish it, hopefully

    Liked by 1 person

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